Spoiled girl...

so i am a spoiled girl. when i was younger, my parents never spoiled
me. i always had what i needed, but rarely all that i wanted. or
many i just did not want that much. but either way- i would not say
that i was spoiled. now though... now that i am 30 and married... my
parents have decided that it is ok to shower their children with
items of their hearts content...

yesterday, i got a new computer. my dad bought it for me as an
upgrade of my old one which i am passing along to my mother. my dad
loves computers... perhaps more than i. so, now i have a computer
and it is DAMN cool. i have a new mac. i am in love.

that means that i am going to redo my website using mac's superior
web design package... and put a blog in there. so, i will be saying
good bye to this site and this blog soon. snif snif. after SO much
work put into it... mac makes templates better than me. oh well.

i am very happy today. i am not just playing on a new computer- but
i am basking in the glow of good news. i found out last night from
linda that LOOK will sponsor us this year! i am thrilled! we are
getting training, racing and tt bikes... the 496 tt bike!!!! i can
hardly believe it. i am not sure which road bikes we are getting-
565's i think- but i am just blown away. we did work hard to get
this and it is a good fit. we love look and think that they have a
great product and that they are a great fit with our team. it is
awesome that they agree!

so that is the big news for now. it is not "officially" announced...
but it is going to happen and that is just great. and we get pedals
too- matching the bikes! yay!

i am going to take a nap and then head to the gym. i am trying to
ride less and hit the cardio in the gym more. 1.5 hours of it
today. funfunfun! bend those knees, burn some cheese!

Back to turning leaves and pedals

i am back now in evanston. came back from a HOT california (even
santa cruz was toasty!) to 38*F here. it was not too cold when i
rode, but still. it was quite the bummer to go from shorts and a
short sleeve jersey to arctic expedition clothes. what i really want
is a full body puffy suit. marmot use to make one- but now, they
just make puffy pants and suspenders. sigh.

today was rather un-eventful in my little world. i went out for
about 2.5 hours (a little less) on my TT bike. the problem was that
with my thick tights- the 'ol crotch was not liking the TT setup too
much. stubborn me stayed out, but i was not a happy brooke. i kept
changing my positioning, dropped my bars, angled my seat: stuff like
that. i ended up changing my good fit into a bad one. so now i am
pretty beat up. but i did put in the miles. sometimes i feel better
having a crappy ride and sucking it up than a good one. it reminds
me that i am dedicated to this and doing this for a reason. i still
love my bike and love riding- but when i don't... it reminds me that
beneath the fun, i am also serious about what i want to accomplish.

i touched base with my coach today. it has been a while since i have
talked with kam because it is off-season and he is busy with other
things too. he wants me to not be doing anything structured right
now, but linda wants me lifting and riding. it is hard when you have
conflicting opinions about what is best for your training. i kind of
have to pick one that i agree with and go from there. obviously- i
am leaning on the side of start training now- rather than later. i
loved the kam-plan though and he made me really strong without
burning me out or working me too hard. i trust him. but i also
trust linda. and i want to be 100% stronger next year than i was
this year. this was a great start... but i want more! greedy
brooke! one good season is not enough. i like being on the steep
end of the improvement curve. i worry that i will get frustrated
when i progress starts to level out. fortunately- i have many
weaknesses to train! so- train away i will. even on my torture bike
with thick tights.

Mountain Biking in Santa Cruz

(PS... i wrote this email on saturday, but i had no outgoing mail
server this weekend. so it got posted late)

i was out in california this weekend, and i really did not think that
i was going to be able to make it out to santa cruz. but last night,
i realized that i have an awesome mountain bike in santa cruz and i
don't often get to ride it. so, i called my friend kim, who always
mountain bikes on saturdays and asked her if she wanted to ride.

after a few adjustments- i got my bike up and running and we hit
upper campus. it is sad to me to think that i spent SO many years in
santa cruz and NEVER really mountain biked! i had such a blast! we
ended up riding for about 2.5 hours and were not doing super
tecnhical stuff- but doing some fun stuff. i felt like i was at the
perfect level. i did not crash, but i kept unclipping and ALMOST
going down. i figured that i was pushing the envelope- getting
better, but not being too dumb. i went over everything that we came
across- logs and little bridges... not exactly gracefully... but i
DID attempt to go over everything. kim did make we walk down one
section that was too much and that was smart. we did mailboxes, and
there is a pretty gnarly steep and rocky section that even our former
pro mountain bike friend walks. so, i walked that. but i had a
great time riding with kim.

since i was in santa cruz- i also got a chance to hang out with lia,
a former teammate of mine on ucsc who i never get to spend enough
time with. i really like her and i was so happy to see how well
things are going for her. she is radiating happiness. so it was a
good day. now am tired... off to bed.

I'm leaving, on an airplane...

don't know when i'll return again...

i am on a plane right now- heading back from san jose and back into
the cold of chicago. we had our sponsor-team ride on sunday and then
our team dinner on sunday night. we had SUCH a fun ride on sunday!
i was definitely feeling the bike-love! we had a good showing too-
probably 20 riders or so.

we were just heading up canada road for an easy spin of about 2
hours... but we did throw down some fun attacks. stacy and i were
going pretty hard with our mechanic, roger, and victoria's husband
jesse. it was just playing on the bikes and it felt damn good! not
to mention- it was pretty much a perfect day out! just one of those
magical days.

after the ride- i headed down to morgan hill to go to the little baby
shower that we were throwing for my old teammate, lynn. naturally-
most people that i had hoped were going to go flaked (flakiness is in
the job description for volleyball players- it use to drive me nuts,
but not i have grown accustom to it), but heidi and jesse were
there. and heidi was pregnant too! that makes the 4th person who i
have found out is pregnant in ONE WEEK! andrew and i obviously did
not get the memo, but i am only drinking bottled water from now on...
that is for sure! i am WAY too selfish at this stage in my life to
even conceive of notion of having children! but i was so happy for
lynn and heidi. this was lynn's second and heidi's first, except she
has a step-son who she has raised for the last ten years (since he
was 4).

it was good to see them. we talked about the old funny stories and
slipped back ten years ago. it is amazing how quickly time has
flown. they still play volleyball... i, still hate it. i don't hate
it really- but i just can't play anymore. i know what i USED to be
able to do, but i just can't do it and it makes me frustrated and
makes it decidedly not fun. so, i don't play. i ride my bike.

then- we had our sponsor dinner. we ate at lavanda in palo alto,
which was another team sponsor. HOLY COW was the food good! and i
am not just saying that because they are sponsors... it was
delicious! and we just had a great time. victoria made a movie for
us, vivek from TIBCO was there with his daughter, who i really
liked... ming from LOOK brought us an absolutely GORGEOUS 585 in that
spectacular baby blue that is the 2007 color (i hope that it works
out that they can sponsor us again this year), jacquie from
revolutions in fitness was there and i will be meeting up with her
when i am training out there to do some LT/VO2 testing, and lots of
other people were there too. not to mention, it was GREAT to see my
teammates! we really had a great night. 4 hours later and a few
glasses of wine... we said goodbye.

i think that i undid all my fatcamp progress that i have made since i
have been back in chicago in a single weekend! i have been eating
very healthy and losing weight slowly. i have a feeling that i have
put it all back on! i have not worked out today, since i was
traveling, and i feel like a heffer! i am fine taking time off of
working out when i am in that mindset- but it is funny... once i
start working out regularly... i just can't miss it or i feel like
crap! maybe the kraft handi-snaks with fake cheese and crackers did
not help either! self-control was low this weekend... but i am
excited to eat a good breakfast tomorrow... i am thinking of a
healthy scramble with onions, mushrooms, zucchini, peppers... yum!

for now... back to my data. things are looking much more manageable
right now. looks like i won't have to redo as much as i had
worried. i am feeling much more optimistic about things working out
for my thesis. we will see! we will see!

Fixie ride

just got back from a quickie ride. not sure how long i was out
for... 1-1.5 hours, i think. it was fun to ride on my fixed gear
bike again. not so painful now that i am use to being back on the
saddle.

nothing too eventful- i only did a quick ride because i have to pack
up my stuff and head on out of here. i have a flight to cali this
evening... we have a big sponsor dinner on sunday night and am doing
team rides on saturday and sunday. also- there is a bit of a
volleyball reunion on sunday too. so, that will be interesting to
see everyone. i have not seen them in nearly 4.5 years--- my
wedding! so it will be good to catch up. but it is an interesting
situation because i am such a different person now... but it is kind
of like being around family. no matter how much you grow up, you
invariably slip into the role that you have always played when you
are around your family. so, i often slip back into being the person
i was back when i played volleyball with them. but it is always good to see them and it has been waaaay too long. so, i am looking forward to that.

Pink Shoe Covers

WOW! i had a great ride today! i am in love with this trail that i
found. unfortunately- it takes a good hour to get there, so it
always makes for a long day.

so today it got chilly again- the 60*F of yesterday gave way to a
brisk 45*F today. i did not want to wear my full winter booties, so
i wore my regular shoes and my pink shoe covers- a good friend of
mine gave me a pair to match my bike, and i have to admit that it was
quite fun wearing them today. that shock of pink shoe helped to
brighten the overcast day.

anyway- so this trail... it goes all the way up to wisconsin and it
is very well maintained. it is basically like riding on a really
well maintained fire trail. easy to ride on with the road bike and
it gets you into the forest preserves. with the fall colors to
drink in, it is easy to get distracted. i even scared the biggest
dear that i have ever seen! it jumped into the trail in front of me
and started running. it was quite a rush! between the dear, the
fall leaves and the osprey that i saw... it was easy to turn my
2.5-3 hour ride into something a bit longer... just a little
further. just a little further. 5:15 later, i rolled on home.

i did wish that i had someone to share today's ride with. i could
have spammed the NU cycling list, but i just am not close to any of
thse guys and wanted to do a longer ride today. i miss my riding
buddies back in santa cruz- it takes a while before you settle into a
riding partnership. my training parter from last winter is burnt out
right now and is now speed skating (will try that next week!). so,
it was me and the Da Vinci Code... my other hint for staying out on
long rides... an iPod and a good engrossing book. i am done with
harry potter for a while and wanted to spice it up with a little dan
brown. i don't think that he is all that great a writer, but it is a
fun read and a page turner. definitely makes the time fly by. so-
as i write, our hero and heroine are escaping the louvre and dashing
across paris.

i really loved my ride today. i am achy- since my back and shoulders
get tight from riding these days (something on my fit is off right
now), but i feel good. it took me a while to defrost my feetsies,
but they are toasty now in my fuzzy slippers. so, now for dinner, a
little baseball and the office. all and all, a good day.

Today, tomorrow and every day

today was beautiful out- probably in the 60's. after yesterday, i
was really excited to get out and ride this morning. i had gone to
the bike shop and gotten another bolt for the seat post on my TT bike
to keep it from slipping... so i planned on riding it today.

it was a great day out! i had originally planned to ride for 2
hours, but i had to carpool up to the city with andrew since i was
going to go to the med school and use their copy of genemapper.
since i got a bit of a late start- i had to fix my headset which was
loose- i only got to ride for 1.5 hours. the problem with the TT
bike is that it makes me want to ride hard. i was supposed to be
riding endurance, but i ended up riding tempo. not too hard, but
definitely breathing harder than i should be.

it felt good to be out. i keep tweaking my position and getting more
and more comfortable on it. i am really starting to like it a lot.
with my old road bikes (before i got the look), it usually took me a
few hundred miles to get settled in and comfortable on the bike. the
look was perfect right away!... so i told myself when i was riding
today, that this was no different. i have probably only put at most
60 miles on that bike. it is still a baby.

anyway, so i am loving it. i really want to train my weaknesses...
when i ride it- i really do focus a lot on picturing me time
trialing. is it too ambitious a goal to want to beat kristin
armstrong? nah! well- maybe that is a bit of a stretch, but i want
to win a TT. that is what i want to be able to do. i want to look
forward to a TT. i want to be able to burry myself. that is what i
picture when i ride that bike. perhaps that is why i have more
trouble doing a regular endurance ride...

on a different note: i am excited to say that liza rachetto committed
to our team!!!! i am really excited. liza was on lipton for the
last few years and i know her from that camp from last summer. she
had been talking to other teams, but really wanted to race for us.
she just told linda the other day. so- that is great news. not only
is liza strong on a bike, she is SUPER fun and also is the "mayor"
and knows everyone and everything. she wants to help with running
the team in terms of getting host housing, additional funds to get to
races etc. she also knows of all these small races that few people
go to that have big purses... so, she will be great all around.

so that is good news.

anyway- back to work for me. i reanalyzed a bunch of my samples and
now have to figure out what they all mean. i might be able to redo
some of the stuff when i am back in santa cruz this winter. so, we
will see. first though- figure out what i HAVE and what i don't have...

Bike love day!

this morning it was raining, but warm. it ended up taking me forever
to get out the door- and when i finally did, the rain had dried up.
i had planned on riding 2-2.5 hours today, but i felt good being out
on the bike. i was overdressed in a rain jacket and sweating and it
felt good. i was pushing at a pretty good endurance pace- a FAR cry
from hammering, but was focusing on smooth pedal strokes and keeping
a steady pace.

anyway, i was doing my normal route and i decided to check out a dirt
path through one of the forest preserves. i ALWAYS do the same
ride... there is not much variety out here... so it was nice to
change things up. MAN! it was GREAT! the leaves are changing and
it is still beautiful out. the path was a hardpack dirt- i think
that it is crushed limestone- and so it was easy to ride on with my
road tires. i was captivated. one patch of forest was still
brilliant green, almost a keylime green, with bright yellow way up
top. it was mind boggling. most of it was beautiful, but that one
stretch was spectacular. i got so distracted with my ride- that i
soon looked down and realized that i was on track for 4 hours if i
did not turn back soon. i was also afraid that i might get lost on
all the trails (they go all the way to wisconsin).

anyway, so i headed back and turned my 2-2.5 hours into 3.5. it felt
good to love the bike! i am on the TT bike tomorrow and am quite
excited about the prospect. i had my seat post slip constantly when
i rode before because i was missing a bolt. went to the shop today
and got another. it takes two. so, now i should be able to get a
good fit and keep it! i HATE a low saddle! anyway, so i am tired
and off to bed. just organized my data so that i can reanalyze it-
hopefully. turns out that i realize that i am missing some files.
not sure what happened, but it looks like the machine did not run
some samples... hummmmm... maybe i will have to do some work when i
got out to train. bummer- that whole "work" thing getting in the way
of riding! but i feel a little more optimistic today... baby steps.
got to just hang in there.

good night.

Time Trial bike

i did not get a chance to write yesterday since i had no internet
connection. i did not write over the weekend because i was playing
around in the city with a friend of mine. went to the zoo, walked
around. had a good time.

yesterday- i finally got my TT bike built up and went for an hour
long ride on it. it was pretty nice out- about 55-60*F and i was
just trying to get comfortable on the bike. i am trying to train my
weaknesses this off-season: i.e. climbing and TT. step one of
getting to be a better time trialist... getting more comfortable on
the bike. before, i had declared that it was not in fact a bicycle,
but a cleverly disguised torture device! after yesterday though- i
realized that i really do LIKE riding it. so that was good. i am
going to ride it at least once a week. i only went for an hour
yesterday and am thinking of taking it out again today. right now, i
am waiting on my coffee... it is raining and about 50*F outside. not
exactly optimal riding weather. but i think that it will be fine.

anyway, coffee's on.

New teammates and winter training

well- first off, i am SUPER excited that we had another rider sign to
our team. katie lambden raced for lipton for the last couple years
and she is now going to kick some serious ass for us! yaya! she is
a good climber, and that is something that we need. we also signed
marissa asplund, but that was a while back. the fun thing about
katie is that she went to ucsc and i actually TAed her my first year
as a grad student! i, of course, did not know that- but she came up
to me at bermuda and announced that she remembered where she knew me
from... that i was her TA! i said, "why the hell didn't you race for
the slugs?!"... she replied, "i didn't know that bike racing
existed!"... funny thing was that neither did i... that was back in
2000. a lot has changed since then for both of us!

anyway, so she emailed me today and told me that she officially
signed. yayay! i am really excited. we now had 5 riders signed on
and are in the works with two or three others. i talked to one today
who i really want to race for us, and i think that she will. she is
talking with another team, but thinks that our team is a better fit.
it is exciting to be on a team that is drawing riders.

i rode today with the northwestern cycling team- about 8 guys showed
up and one woman. typical... i had said that i wanted to do 2-2.5
hours of basemiles and go easy... my basemile pace is 130-180W. i
look down at my powermeter and it is reading 180W... WHILE drafting
and the guys up front had a nasty nasty head-wind. they were
hammering and i kept having my heart rate get up and i would watch as
my power kept rising. one thing nice about a powermeter... it use to
be that when i rode with boys who were pushing the pace, i just felt
like it was ME. like i was being a wus or that i was slow. not that
they were going too hard. with the powermeter, i can SEE that they
are going too hard and i don't think that it is just in my head.

i ended up getting annoyed and attacking on them... i said to chris
who chased me down, "if we are going to hammer, we should just keep
attacking each other. that is more fun." i know that i was not
being the nicest thing on earth, but i was NOT having fun on my own
ride. they are nice guys and i can understand that it is hard to go
slow, but it is the off-season. it was 45*F out... there is no need
to go hard. whatever. anyway, so that was a bit of a bummer, but
they turned back at the 2 hour mark and i kept riding with a guy ace,
who i rode with last winter too. really nice guy and fine with
riding slow. so, ended up having a good ride. the wind was really
blowing today though.

it is supposed to be warming up next week. tomorrow, i am going
camping and rock climbing up in wisconsin. so, i will be gone and
not blogging. hope you don't miss my boring blog too much!

First snow...

today was the first snow. this morning, i dropped andrew off at the
airport at 7:30 and headed home- planning on setting out for a ride
and then starting the rest of my day. it started to snow pretty hard
and i was worried about riding in the first snow of the year--- the
worst driving is 1 inch of snow on the road, unplowed and unsalted.
you slide around like on skates. i did not want to be caught out in
that, so i waited. it did not accumulate, since it was still warm
enough outside and i headed out at around 3.

just got back- i was out for about 1.5-2 hours. not sure how long.
i am not use to the winter riding... winter shoes, wool socks, winter
tights, amfib tights over the top, chamois, mock turtle neck
baselayer, jersey, windbreaker, balaclava, ski mittens, cycling
cap... it takes me about a half an hour to get dressed! i also mix
up hot water to drink before i leave and then tuck the bottles under
my jersey until i warm up. i am going to have to get out my
thermoses soon- i could not drink the water after about an hour or so
becuase it was too cold. it didn't freeze today- but the water was
freezing.

it was not that bad. it was a "balmy" 40-45*F out. it gets much
colder... then i will have to use chemical foot warmer inserts to
keep my feet from going numb. they got pretty cold today, but it was
bearable.

i am not sure how i feel about the winter coming. part of me is a
bit excited. i really do love the crisp cold air. but i get SO cold
SO easily... in winter, i basically have to stop eating or drinking
anything cold. jamaba juice will freeze me for a day! and it is
hard to warm up. being californian's... we are stingy with the
heater. so- the heat is set for 60*F, meaning that compared to
outside, it is warm inside, but we don't prescribe to the
midwesterner's philosophy of heating the snot out of all indoor
spaces. that means that i am usually bundled up and often cold. my
hands are a bit frosty right now as i type. BUT... i can't see my
breath in my own living room! so i have got that going for me...
that use to happen when i lived in berkeley and we were too cheap to
run the heaters... it got really quite cold in that old house with no
insulation...

anyway, so andrew is gone until sunday. i am supposed to go on that
camping trip- but i have not heard from anyone. i am bummed andrew
is gone. i am happy for him- he is getting to do something that he
loves... but i miss him. it is hard to settle back into a life with
him when i have been gone for so long. it has been so great to get
to spend so much time with him. i don't want him to be gone. but it
will be good. i know that.

that is all for today. nothing too exciting. just going to take a
super hot shower to defrost, roast some veggies and watch a movie.

rain... rain... rain...

today was some of my least favorite weather... raining and about
45*F. there is no way to sugar coat it... when it is like that, it
is HARD to get out the door. i was case in point today. but i got
out and had a good ride.

fortunately, the leaves are still spectacular and so i could focus on
that to distract myself from the fact that it was a sub-optimal day
to be out on the bike. i am proud of myself for focusing and having
a good ride, despite my initial difficulty getting out the door.
today was one of those days where you grin and bear it and tell
yourself that it will make you stronger. and, invariably, it will.

and i have good clothes for bad weather- got to sport them today.
even wore my winter riding shoes that look like moonboots and my feet
were frozen by the end of two hours. humm... i am going to have ONE
FUN WINTER! and, in case you were wondering... harry did not get
expelled for chasing malfoy on the broomstick today! no- instead, (i
hate to ruin it...), he was just made seaker on the house quiditch
team! (harry potter kept me going today too...)

i am now working on rearranging my database- a good distraction from
realizing that my data is useless... that will come tomorrow. i am
going to reanalyze my files tomorrow.

andrew is leaving to go to cleveland until sunday to work on some
arbitration stuff for the indians. i am going to miss him, but it is
so exciting that he is getting to do something that he loves so
much. i can't believe how lucky we are... it is so rare to find
something that you really love to do and are passionate about... to
have both me and my husband have something like that? wow.

i am going to do a camping/hiking trip this weekend with some people
from kellogg. it will be good to get outside and i am looking
forward to it. should be fun. i have managed to not know ANY
details- including where we are going... but i am sure it will be 1.
beautiful and 2. i will get to hike. do i care about anything else?

Research video...

i just got this sent to me. i thought that it was hilarious. not
exactly the type of research that i am doing...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7W3bxHFShw

Relatives, Museums, Data and denial

i am sitting in a library right now, sifting through my notebooks and
data binders to figure out what the heck i did when i was out in
santa cruz. FORTUNATELY, i was pretty well organized, so i can
figure it out. i just got back from a day in the city with my
brother. we went to the museums downtown and wandered around. it is
amazing how tiring that can be for me.

we went to the field museum (i was not that interested in any of the
exhibits today) and then to the shed aquarium (AMAZING!). it was a
discount day and so admission was free to both, but we did have to
pay to see the good stuff in the aquarium. the shed was great: they
had a lizard exhibit that was awesome!!! they even had a komodo
dragon!!!!!!! something i have never seen before. anyway, i
actually enjoyed the day with my brother too- which can sometimes be
a challenge for both of us. so all that was good. but i am tired.
did not ride and am tired from walking around.

which brings me to the library downtown where i am working while
andrew is in class. a friend from california is meeting us, then we
are going to get dinner and go home. (nick already left)

anyway, so plug away i must at my data... the thing is- i have looked
at it a little bit. it was not good. it looks like things have not
worked in a bad way. not in a negative data way (i.e. not supporting
my hypothesis but usable data none the less), but in a f*&#ed-up data
way (as in, i am 7 years into a phd and my data that i thought i had
was useless because it is messed up). i think that there might be
cross-contamination of some of my samples or things mislabeled. this
is not good. i have spent the last two days really coming to terms
with the fact that i will probably drop out. if this is what i think
that it is- i am done. that is a hard thing to think about. but,
really, i think that there are only a couple reasons why i am still
in a phd program...

1. because it will help me get a job (but i don't want to stay in
academia, so i don't NEED a phd... and i want to race my bike. i
know i can get a job doing something that does not require a phd.
one thing that i have learned is that i have some useful skills- if i
can learn to sell them...)

2. because i feel like i will be a big letdown to a lot of people- my
friends, my family, my advisor, the department... i don't know how to
get around that one. there is a lot of external pressure on me to
finish my thesis from outside of me. am i a complete person if i
don't finish? will i be a quitter? i have not been anyone to quit
at anything. i can't think of anything that i have ever quit- except
once... and it was hard. i quit a volleyball team that i was on when
my coach's abuse was too much for me to take. but i did not quit
volleyball- i left and joined another team. so there is this...
would i be quitting? yes. would i be ok with that? which brings me
to #3...

3. i would feel like a failure.

but, i think that i can get over #3. yes, i would be quitting, but i
am also not a believer in staying with something if it does not make
you happy simply for the sake of others or for your own ego. i
believe that happiness is the most important thing in life. i want
to be happy and i want the people that i love to be happy.
ultimately, even if my friends and family are disappointed in me if i
quit- i know that they would still love me and would understand.
would i feel like a failure? would i always think that i should have
stuck it out? it is clear to me, as my friend mark and i have
frequently discussed, that at this point in my career, i am being
driven toward a phd by my ego. do i need that external validation to
feel smart? haven't i done enough things that i have strained my
shoulders after patting myself on the back from to know that i am a
competent person? i would like to think so- i mean, we all know that
my back is patted raw from self-inflicted self-admiration for the
stupid things that i do.

anyway- i am not pulling the plug just yet. this decision will not
be one taken with a light heart. but it is one that i am seeing more
and more clearly now. it is not one that i want to make from
laziness. i don't want to be lazy. i will not be lazy. i will just
be done. i will have reached a point where i can go no further. i
can't go back and redo what i did. i can't. i can't go back to
santa cruz to work more on this... i have no more money. i have no
more motivation. i am trying hard to get back to my life out here-
it is hard to be away from my husband. i can't keep going back like
i have. my thesis is already so far from what it started as. it was
a beautiful thing that made me happy before. now this thing that was
my baby has turned into a hodgepodge monster, a desperate throwing
together of anything that will work enough to be called a thesis. a
phd is a collection of mistakes: my thesis is no different. you
never get to go in the direction you intended with it- instead, you
have to follow the winding path that it takes you. i don't like the
path that it has taken me on. i want out. some think that it is
easier to keep walking... but for me, what if i can wink my eyes and
apperate to somewhere else? for example, on a path of being a
racer. i am already planning on racing (essentially) full-time next
season... can i start sooner?

so this is my day- bad food, walking around with my brother, seeing
museums, realizing that i want to quit my phd program and race my
bike. man, my life has changed so much in such a short period of
time. it is amazing to think that just a little over a year ago- i
had clear priorities: #1 andrew #2 school #3 work #4 family/friends
#5 cycling... wow have the tables turned. not only have i re-
prioritized... there are bigger and clearer gaps in my priorities now
too... it is overwhelming to think about.

so, i shouldn't. that brings me to the fourth topic of my subject...

go back to denial- lower my head, focus on organizing my data and
finding out if this is really as serious as i am afraid that it is.
i am at least no longer scared. i have gotten that out of my
system. i will go to a lab tomorrow and use their software to re-
analyze my samples. (hey- i got THAT going for me! i managed to
find a lab that will let me use their genemapper software...). then
i will think about what step to take next. i will call my advisor
and talk with him. i will talk to my dad- who would be the most
disappointed of anyone. and i will see what i will have to do. but
not now... now is time for denial. just keep working. just keep
working.

basemiles and harry potter...

just got back from a ride. did about 2 hours at a good clip.
basemiles, but i was keeping focused and not letting my pace slow too
much. i am worried that when i do my endurance pace, that i got too
slow and do "garbage miles". i want to make every mile i ride
count. so, today, i kept a watchful eye on my powermeter and kept it
steady.

it was another gorgeous day out. although i had wanted to motivate
to ride at 8 am... 1.5 hours of snoozing and a leisurely morning put
an end to that ambition. i love snoozing in the morning- it is good
brooke and andrew time. andrew is certainly an enabler of my
snoozing problem. but, i did eventually get out of the house and
take advantage of this spectacular day.

my brother is coming to town tonight. he gets here at 9. has never
been to chicago before, so we are doing touristy things tomorrow.
will probably go to the field museum. i think that andrew and i are
going to go hiking in a forest preserve this evening too. we need to
get out more and are going to work on that while the weather is still
good.

bye for now!

Beautiful day

wow. today was spectacular. it was warm even. after staying out
late last night- my motivation to get up and ride early was a bit
lacking. anyway, i had committed to riding with a friend of mine
out here and her girlfriend. andrew joined us. they are all newbie
cyclists, so we just went for a super easy spin on the bike path-
with dripping with red, orange and yellow leaves. it was very
spectacular. not much of a workout, but a good way to start the day.

then i went and got a bunch of groceries- good produce and it makes
me happy. i am waiting on some roasted veggies... potato, yam,
turnips, onions, zucchini and yellow squash... garlic, salt, pepper
and olive oil. YUM! it feels good to start the week with good food
in the fridge. the exciting things in life. we have a friend coming
over for dinner tonight and we are doing chicken breasts (baked in
parmesan cheese, italian seasonings and pepper- quite good and really
healthy), salad and the veggies. i like making food for other people.

anyway- will do another ride tomorrow. basemiles. i am more focused
now on getting into a routine. for now though, i will watch
baseball, eat good food and go to bed. sounds like a good day for me.

Good day...

i am tried and going to bed, but i had a good day. i got up- about
an hour past disciplined (i.e. missed the group 8am ride...) but got
on my bike and was exited to get some miles in. i had brought along
my ipod and harry potter- planning on doing basemiles with me, myself
and i for company.

but, as i was leaving my house, i saw a group of 5 riders. i decided
to tag along and crash their little party. one had an NU jersey on
(northwestern uni), so i figured i might know him. turns out we had
not met, but he knew me via email (mostly making fun of the NU guys
for riding inside during the winter when THIS california girl had no
problem with the cold--- but i WAS bored riding by myself and kept
trying to get them to ride with me).

anyway, so i had planned on doing 40ish miles. really only wanted to
ride 2-2.5 hours. my computer battery was dead, so i am not sure
what we did. but, i rode with chris (nu), sasha (some guy from
portland who wanted to hammer and kept almost dropping me), trevor
(?), jason (some tri guy) and the other guy dropped off after about
20 miles and i did not get a chance to talk to him.

we hammered pretty good a couple times. there were a few sprints
that they attacked each other on and it reminded me of riding with my
boys back in santa cruz- except they didn't suck! kidding. i miss
santa cruz riding. but today was a BEAUTIFUL day. not too cold and
the leaves were turning. i was about to head back at what i was
pretty sure would end up being about a 40-50 mile day... but they
told me to stay on that they weren't going much farther. HA!

they lied- we ended up riding forever, it was good to be out there.
but we probably did 60-70. not sure, but it FELT like 60-70! you
know you have not been riding enough when your butt hurts when you
get on the bike... my butt was sore from yesterday! anyway, it was a
good ride.

then andrew and i went to a wedding. i had not been excited to go,
but it turned out to be a REALLY fun wedding and we got to see a
bunch of people who we went to peru with last year. i have not seen
them in ages and they are all great people. danced a lot in high
heels- not my typical attire. feet HURT!

THEN.... we went to a bar to watch cal trounce oregon in football!
GO BEARS! it was awesome! aside from the fact that it is not fun to
be in a bar wearing a backless dress and gilttery high heels... the
old guys there seemed to love me. andrew thought it was hilarious.

i am also SUPER excited because my time trial bike came today... my
friends in santa cruz shipped it out to me. i have not ridden it in
a while and am looking forward to riding on it. i have not opened
the box yet because i didn't have time to build it up. but i am SO
excited! i really can't wait. it was really nice of them to ship it
out for me. thanks guys.

there is a crit tomorrow that i was thinking about doing. chris on
teh ride today told me about it. but i just found out info on it
online... an hour drive. flat, four corners... and the purse is
100/3. uh, i think taht i will pass. after paying $25... i am not
sure that sounds like much fun. if it were a cool course- then
maybe. but flat four corners just don't give me the rush that
compensates for a shitty payout and a high reg fee. man, i am such a
snob! actually- had i gotten in touch with those guys earlier and
arrange to carpool- then i would go. i would actually like to check
out the race scene here, but it is just not worth the drive. now if
it were the downers grove course... MAN that is a fun course!
anyway, so it is WAY past my bedtime. andrew is already asleep. but
it was a fun day. will do some sort of a ride tomorrow. maybe back
on the fixie if i can handle it!

bye!

Bikelove and bad drivers

i FINALLY got out and rode today! only the second time that i have
ridden in a month... whew. it felt great to get out there today!!!!
i was an idiot though... i LOVE my fixed gear bike. i love it so
much. i was very excited to ride and thought nothing of doing 30+
miles on my fixie. this is where i am dumb.

see- my fixed gear bike is not exactly built for comfort. it has no
pretense of shock absorption and has narrow handle bars and not many
places to grip. normally, it would be fine to do 2 hours on it and i
would enjoy myself... but when one has not christened a saddle in an
overly long time... such a ride is a bit, uh, unpleasant! i also
have to say that i dearly missed the saddle on my road bike! san
marco... thank you! thank you! this, uh, was not that saddle and i
rather missed my normal saddle. (i swear, some saddle companies are
not operating in accordance with the geneva convention!)

anyway, so as much as i loved riding today- i was struggling being so
uncomfortable on the bike. but, i still enjoyed myself and it was
beautiful out today. the leaves are starting to turn and we were
missing our latest crazy of thundershowers and drear. so, i was
happy to enjoy being out in a rare good day.

i was enjoying myself, riding along being a good cyclist- in a lane
that was at least a lane and a half- lost in my thoughts when i was
made aware of a driver who was not thrilled with my mere presence on
this great earth. apparently, i was an affront to his being, as he
yelled "get the hell out of the road you asshole! use the f*&^ing
bike path!". it caught me rather off guard. i try hard to be a good
cyclist and rarely have confrontations with cars. usually, when a
car is pissed at me- it is usually because of something that i have
done. in this case, i was merely riding along with PLENTY of room
(he did not swerve to move and STILL had about a half a car width
between him and me) and it was just completely out of the blue. this
sort of thing usually passes over me quickly- but this time it
didn't. i tried my best to loudly verbally insult his manhood and
was glad that i was on my fixed gear and could not chase him down to
do all the things in my mind that were sooo appealing (i.e. shoot him
in the face with my water bottle, ding the shit out of his car with
my cleat... etc). i practiced my zen-ness and tried to let it go.
but i won't lie, it pissed me off. there was NO reason for him to be
upset and it was ridiculous. i hate when some jackass does a good
job of trying to ruin your day.

anyway, so i let that pass and was riding home at a rather good clip
as i was running out of light. i was stopped at a red light and sat
there for a while. i got impatient and decided that i would turn
right. so, i started and turned right. the women in the lexis
globaldestroyer next to me saw me go and assumed that the light was
green, so she took off right into another car. thankfully, i was not
involved... they were all pretty dramatic people and i was a
witness. so, i stuck around and told the police what happened.
lexislady was completely freaked out. everyone was fine. it was not
a bad accident.

fortunately, a really nice other cyclist, derek (?) came by and
escorted me home with his bike lights, since i did not have any. it
really is a good cycling community out here- despite the face that it
is so flat!

anyway, so yay! i got to ride today! no longer trying to convince
myself i like running... i am back on the bike and happy about it!
tomorrow- if i can get up early enough, group ride. if not, maybe it
is time for harry potter on MP3... book 1? i have a lot of base
miles ahead...

bye!

Plugging along...

there is nothing too exciting to write about today. i have succeeded
in finding a new obsession that is keeping me away from my work that
i should be doing... i am building a database for a lab. i really
like doing stuff like this and it is good to be getting paid for it.
i need the money since i am not teaching. i hope that i can drum up
some more work from it too. i might also be building a website for
someone else.

i like the distraction. i did manage to look at my data, but it
looks like i am going to have to get access to the program that i
used to export to excel-- i did not export all my files. oops. but i
emailed the person i needed to contact about it and am waiting to
hear back. it is pretty fancy schmancy software and not easy to come
by.

i am just plugging along. i am having trouble motivating to work
out. the weather here sucks now. when it is REALLY cold, it is easy
to prepare for. but now, it is sometimes cold, then sometimes hot.
so, you never know what you are going to get. it just kind of sucks
the life out of you. i will go for a run later though. i ran
yesterday. i wish that i enjoyed running more, but it is a struggle
for me. i was going to go to the gym, but i lost that little battle
when i got too sucked into making this data base (it really is pretty
cool- i am putting in a lot of bells and whistles that are going to
probably go completely unappreciated... but whatever. i would not
want it to not work perfectly, so i am putting in the time).

i ended up having a good day yesterday- i talked to my best friend
who i have not talked to in waaaay too long. it really felt good. i
needed to talk to her. that is why you have people like that in your
life. when you need them, they are there. she always makes me
happy. she is doing really well and that makes me happy. she is a
grad student in santa barbara. she just got engaged and she bought
her dress after only looking for 5 minutes! i can relate to that!
my mom is back in town too, after being gone on some trip for a few
weeks. i missed her since i was in bermuda when she left. i am
very close to my mom. it is good to have her back. i talked to her
too.

so, i am doing well, but having a not fun time with the weather.

i am hating this waiting game of waiting to see what happens with our
sponsors!!! i am SO excited with a bunch of them and can't wait to
find out if it will all work.

anyway- so i am going to get back to work, but i wanted to just take
a minute and write... mostly to give myself a pep talk about going
for a run later! i would MUCH MUCH MUCH rather go for a ride on my
fixie! but, i don't have time. i think that i am going to ride
tomorrow. i LOVE that bike. it is so fun to have a fixed gear bike-
it makes me feel like such a little kid. so, that will be tomorrow
morning. i am looking forward to that. i miss riding. i am done
being off the bike.

BYE!

New Day...

today is a new day. yesterday, i was most definitely in a funk. i
was not a happy brooke. sometimes it is good to be in a funk. it
makes you appreciate being happy all that much more. kind of like
how dreary weather makes the good days all that much more beautiful.
anyway, so today is better. after a lot of thinking and reflecting
yesterday- i am not afraid to take another step today.

it can be hard work to take yourself out of a funk. for me, i have
to make a conscious decision and make definitive steps to bring
myself up. some of them are easy things to do in terms of knowing
what bothers me. some of them are harder. last night- i took some
steps toward ending my funk and moving on. i cleaned my house, i
took my vitamins. i did laundry. these are all such small things,
but it is amazing how much of a difference it makes for me. it is
not just the act or physical outcome of doing these things that make
me feel better: it is also the psychological game of it--- i am
telling myself that i can take care of myself and not let myself be
sucked into my funk. that i can make steps, no matter how small, to
move forward and take myself out of my bad mood. now, i am no
longer hating myself for living in squalor and chaos. i am in a
beautiful house that i love, and it is clean. it sounds silly, but
it makes such a difference for me. or i will do some small thing
that i have been procrastinating: pay a bill, for example.

i woke up this morning early and went for a run. it was cold and
windy outside- pretty miserable really. but i ran anyway. i knew
that it would make me feel better. i tell you- it is hard for me to
not be on a training plan! i LIKE knowing what i HAVE to do each
day... will be talking to kam later about getting set up on a new plan.

so, right now- i have looked at my data. yay me! i got over that
fear and so far- i am just reorganizing it and figuring out all that
i have. that alone is a pretty big job. and i got hired to build a
database for another lab. something that i like doing, should not
take me long- and will pay me a neat little chunk of change. so-
today feels good. i feel like i have gotten back on my feet after
slipping around a little yesterday. i am transitioning to this next
task and can do it.

i know that this is a blog about cycling, but right now, it is a blog
about how one cyclist copes with grad school. it is an emotional
roller-coaster- today is an upward climb. i feel SO much better.

on the cycling perspective- our team is still talking with and
finalizing sponsorship stuff... but it is exciting! there are a few
sponsors that we REALLY have our fingers crossed for and they are
looking promising. i know that the people who are in charge WANT to
sponsor us- it is just a matter of all the outside politics to see if
they can. now that we are not a shop team, it is harder to get
sponsors. if we are working through a shop- companies give us
product to increase sales in that shop. take away the shop, and our
biggest draw is advertising. a lot of teams have big clubs that help
support them. give the pro team product and the club will buy. that
is not our case. so, we have a tough sell and tough competition from
other teams that can negotiate to have shops or club members buy
product. but- the good news is that we are drawing a lot of
attention from some really really exciting sponsors! the right
people know and like us and it is just a waiting game now. we know
that we have done everything right to get these sponsors- now it is
just if the situation itself will be right. these are some great
companies and we really want to work to help them market their great
stuff. so, we will see! fingers are crossed... i really can't
wait! i try to not get too excited, but i am! either way- our team
will do well next season. so, i have to just keep that in mind.

anyway, so back to work for me for now. thanks for reading. and if
you did? WHY!? THIS IS BORING STUFF!

Thanks to list... and Grad School Motivation

i have often had people ask me how i got into cycling- and really-
the truth is that there is a long list of people who have really
helped me out. i was telling this to a good friend of mine the other
day, and he suggested that i sit down and write up that list and put
it on my site. i thought that it was a great idea and did that
today. i just put it on my site under the cycling page link. please
check it out.

i have been obsessing about my website for too long now- it has been
a great distraction from me working on my thesis. right now- i have
HOPEFULLY finished all my data collection for my phd and i just have
to analyze it and write it up. my goal is to finish with the writing
portion of my thesis by the end of february. that is daunting. some
days, i feel like i can do it- others, i just want to throw in the
towel. grad school is hard. i know that sounds stupid to say, grad
school SHOULD be hard. but it is not hard the way i thought it would
be hard. not hard in that you have so much work to do (although that
is sometimes the case), but hard in that you have to get up every day
and put one foot in front of the other. hard in that i don't have
someone telling me what to do or how to do it. hard for the lack of
structure and the complete reliance on self-discipline. i wake up
and have a million and one things to do, yet invariably, my day
starts out with, "humm... what am i going to do today?". i sometimes
get paralyzed with all that i have to do and find that i can't do
anything at all. i have to fight the burn-out that has infused me
since some big discouragement last year on my thesis.

once i get immersed into a project, i am in full board. when i am
doing molecular work- i can put my head down and just burry myself in
work. what is hard for me though- is that transition. going from
one thing to the next. i have spent months in grad school NOT
getting anything done because i lose the ability to put that one foot
down to start something new. that is where i am today. i came back
from santa cruz- finishing up a heaping amount of molecular work- and
now, i have to switch gears, analyze that data and then write. the
truth is though, i am scared to even look at it. there is so much
riding on that data. if it does not tell me what i hope it does... i
am not sure if i can recover. 6 years now that i have been in grad
school, and if this does not work, i don't know if i will walk away
or try and salvage it. it might be a sinking ship that can't be
recovered. that is a scary thought. i am ready to be done. it has
been a wonderful adventure, but i have a new passion. i love this
cycling thing. i see that there are a lot of opportunities for me-
not just in racing. i love it all. i no longer think that i have to
stay in academia to be happy. in fact, i realize that there are a
lot of things that i can do to be happy. cycling has taught me that
for sure.

so- cycling is wonderful, but it is hard to put it aside and finish
my thesis. i am not doing much in the way of training right now.
just trying to stay in shape and have fun being unstructured. i have
been running and walking a lot. but it is hard for me to motivate
when i am not on a training program. i am eager to get back to more
focused training and get back to riding.

i am sorry if this mussing if of little interest- it is my mind
wandering as i sit here honestly afraid to look at my data. i am sad
today. i am scared today. i am listless today and lacking in
focus. i am not always like this, but today i am. this is my
life--- grad school and cycling. sometimes one more than the other.
both have their ups and downs. today is not an up day. but i know
that when i can get focused back on school, that i can just bury
myself in that and move on. today, my challenge is to take care of
myself and take care of my life. i am sitting in a dirty apartment
that i need to clean and want to clean. but i can't get around to
doing it. i want to snap out of my funk. but i also want to wallow
in it. it is hard to describe. this is why i am writing. i just
have to put it down in words. an open diary of sorts... welcome to
brooke's head. not ALWAYS spunky and enthusiastic.

i hate being such a downer. i really do. i have SO many things to
make me happy. but right now, i am just overwhelmed and sad. i once
knew a girl named natty and she was perpetually happy. she was like
a golden retriever- dopy and delighted with everything in life. in a
good way, mind you. but, i was studying abroad in costa rica at the
time and was homesick. it was hard for me to see someone so happy
all the time. i was sort of sickened. i asked her, "natty, do you
EVER had a bad day?". she looked at me quizzically and said, "no. i
sometimes have bad moments. but never a bad day". i was disgusted
with that at first- WHO never has a bad day? but then i realized
that it was something to look up to as a goal. i wanted to never
have a bad day again, but to always isolate those bad moments and
find the good moments in that day to redeem it. i did not want to
deny my bad moments, but just to not let them define my day. anyway,
so hopefully this is a bad moment. i know that it is. it was a
beautiful day this morning and i had a good morning. it is just now
that i am having a bad moment. thinking about things that make me
sad and thinking about things that are hard to take. thinking about
my thesis and being scared: in part because i am scared that it won't
work. and, in part, because i am scared that i don't care enough.
that i am so burned out that i am afraid that i can't make myself
finish. that scares me too. i feel like i would let down so many
people if i came this far and did not walk away with a phd. but
would i let myself down? THAT is scary to not have an easy answer to
that question.

Back from Interbike and working hard...

so, linda and i got back from interbike on saturday morning- or,
rather, i got back on saturday morning. after 3 days in vegas and a
LOT of meetings. anyway, now that we are back- it is a matter of
contacting everyone and following up. we really had a pretty wildly
successful time there- it was exciting to be there and to be getting
such great feedback for the team.

people really were responsive and eager to meet with us. and they
were also very supportive of what we are doing. i am very excited
about this team and what we will be able to do next season.

after this year- i know that i could have joined another team. i had
a few people fishing a bit from other teams and i have connections on
teams that i know that i could have pursued. but, instead, i wanted
to stay and work with linda. i resigned right away. i figure that
there are really not many opportunities to build a team... even if
you HAVE the money (hard to get)... it is hard to get the experience
you need. for our team- linda has raised the money AND has the
experience.

if ANY of the pro teams had contacted me last year about riding for
them- i would have (pardon my french) shit myself in excitement. i
would have done just about anything that i could to get on webcor,
lipton, colavita, victory... but now, i realize that i have such a
great opportunity with linda and PABW (now to be called Team TIBCO)
that i did not want to leave. so- in addition to being loyal to
linda for what she has done for me... i also feel very vested in this
team and in making it as great as i know that we can. so... going to
interbike was a lot of fun because i could take part in helping to
build up this team.

our team is changing names next year- instead of PABW powered by
TIBCO (palo alto bicycles women's team)- we will now be Team TIBCO.
TIBCO is a software company in silicon valley that is one of the
biggest in the valley. they are "software glue"- in that they make
software that makes all the other software run together. and they
are our title sponsor. our team is going full pro next year, doing a
full NRC schedule and focusing on stage racing. we are no longer a
shop supported local team, but we still have a great relationship
with PAB. it is just that we have moved on to the bigger races and
the are focusing on building a local team for local shop exposure.

anyway---- because we are moving on and becoming an independent team,
we are also building up new sponsor contacts and new sponsor
relationships. anyway, so that is why we were there and it was great.

for now- i should stop working on bike stuff and get to writing my
thesis.... but the bike stuff is SO much more fun! sigh.

Back from Interbike

linda, julie and i went to interbike this last week (HUGE bike convention in las vegas). we went to say
thank you to our sponsors for last year and to help spread the world
that our team is going to be doing a full NRC calendar next season---
so, we were also looking for new sponsors to help join us on this
adventure.

HOLY COW! is all i can say! i am not sure if i have ever been so
exhausted from talking with people and meeting people. things went
well though. we had a lot of people very interested in our team and
have picked up some new sponsors for next season. we could not have
been happier with how well things went.

now, we will just have to get all the details hammered out and that
means that there is still a lot of work ahead of us. in the mean
time... somewhere in there... i have to write this whole "thesis"
thing- i am aiming to finish up this spring, but my thesis is not
writing itself. so, starting tomorrow... i will be working again.
strange concept, i know! bye for now.

Entering into the World of the blog..

I have never blogged before, but now that I have a website, I think
that this will be the easiest way for me to keep the site updated.
So... now I am a blogger.